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Many—perhaps even most of us—will age alone at some point. Not because we chose it, necessarily—but because life happens. Spouses die. Adult children drift away (27% of people in this country are estranged from family). Relationships end.
And yet, we rarely plan for it.
Doing it “alone together”
Early in my career, I had a client named “Ellie”—a widow who’d been on her own for years. She was self-deprecating about “figuring things out alone,” but when I reminded her she had me on her team, she’d also bring up friends—Ruth, George, and others in similar situations.
I started asking questions: How do you make decisions without a formal family relationship or an obvious person for successor decision-making? And she said two things that stuck with me.
First, she said, “It’s important to recognize that we can all do this alone together.”
Second, that being forthright with the people who’d likely support her down the road would be essential.
That’s when I had one of my formative advisor moments. I told her I could help her support network do the things most important to her.
I proposed an exercise: She’d have 90 seconds to tell her support network everything they needed to know to get started. That’s it. She could prepare and take notes, but once I started the timer on my phone, she’d have just 90 seconds. After that, she couldn’t tell them anything.
She jotted down notes and said, “Okay, here’s where my passwords are. Here’s where my keys are. The car doesn’t work. I’ve got a cousin that’s going to come in who has power of attorney, and she’s a giant pain in the neck—you have to listen to her, but then tell her exactly what to do.”
We laughed, and I became the keeper of her priorities.
Years later, when Ellie’s health declined and she couldn’t speak for herself, her friend Ruth stepped in seamlessly. She told me Ellie had gathered their friend group a few years earlier and made them all do the same exercise. It became a roadmap for all of them.
Two paths to solo aging
As my colleague Suzanne Schmitt has pointed out, there are really two categories here: solo by choice versus solo by circumstance.
Solo-by-choice folks tend to be intentional and planful. They cultivate strong networks of friends with similar lifestyles. They knew this was coming and prepared for it.
Solo-by-circumstance folks—the majority of us—become solo agers through death or divorce. We’re the ones making bigger, more abrupt decisions when big life events hit.
We’re particularly vulnerable to making poor choices when under duress.
How to prepare
First, do the 90-second exercise yourself.
Imagine you have 90 seconds to tell your support network everything they need to know if you couldn’t speak for yourself tomorrow. What would you say? Where are your passwords? Who has your keys? Who’s named as your power of attorney, and what do they need to know about working with them?
Write it down. Share it with your advisor or your key support person and update it regularly.
Second, identify your trusted contacts.
Not just family—who are the friends, neighbors, or professionals who would show up?
Third, have the conversation with your financial advisor.
Ask them directly: “If I end up navigating aging alone, either by choice or circumstance, how will you help me prepare?” If they seem uncomfortable with the question, that tells you something important.
And one question to start with
Here’s the one question to ask yourself: “If there’s one thing I could change about my support network now or in the future, what would it be?”
Your answer is your pain point—and your starting place for planning.
Solo aging isn’t a depressing prospect, and it can be a relief to address it pragmatically rather than avoiding it.
In fact, that honesty is what separates those who navigate it well from those who struggle. The people who age successfully don’t necessarily have bigger or more supportive families—they’re just more honest with themselves about what’s coming and prepare accordingly.
Related: ProcrastinAging: When Procrastination Gains Old Man Strength