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I’ve always been a cheerleader. I lift people up. I encourage. I shout out. Especially the women. When I see a woman step into her light and invest in herself, build her wealth, negotiate her worth, or step into the career she deserves—I am a standing ovation of applause.
Nothing brings me joy more than seeing women and girls claim what they deserve. I. Am. Here. For. It. And I’m lucky to be surrounded by ambitious women who are changing the world and stereotypes for others and for our girls.
That said—
The Instagram Comment That Got Me Thinking
The Female Lead posted recently on Instagram about Reese Witherspoon’s money advice: protect your independence and never rely on someone else to keep you afloat. Build your own financial safety net. Stay empowered, informed, and in control.
Beautiful advice, right? Empowering. Important. True.
Then came the comment: “I see this a lot. What do you suggest we (SAHM’s who’ve been priced out of the workforce by rising daycare tuition rates with no increase in income regardless of our experience and credentials) do?”
And then the responses poured in. Some empathetic. Some... not so much.
“I chose not to have kids for this reason. Most women had the same choice.”
“Assuming you chose to have kids and take yourself out of the workforce, you had the privilege to choose that life.”
“I work and all my money goes to childcare. I’d prefer that to depending on anyone financially.”
My response? I kept it practical: “If you’re not involved in the household finances, start asking questions. Have monthly money dates. Make sure you know the logins for all of your accounts and you understand what you and your partner own and owe and how accounts are registered. Just because you’re SAH doesn’t mean you need to delegate the money. The goal is to still advocate for yourself and stay in the loop.”
This exchange stuck with me because it perfectly illustrates the tension we face when trying to help people with their money: How do we motivate without shaming? How do we be honest without being harsh? How do we meet people where they are while still encouraging them forward?
The Three Approaches
Tough Love: “You made your choice. Figure it out. No one’s coming to save you.”
Coddling: “You’re doing amazing sweetie! Everything will work out! Just manifest abundance!”
Real Talk: “Here’s where you are. Here’s what you can control. Let’s work with that.”
I understand the appeal of all three approaches. But I’ve learned that tough love and coddling, while well-intentioned, often backfire in ways that Real Talk doesn’t.
When Tough Love Becomes Harmful
Tough love sounds empowering on paper. It’s the financial equivalent of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” It says: Take responsibility. Own your choices. Make it happen.
And yes, personal responsibility matters. But what tough love often misses is context.
The commenter who said “most women had the same choice” about having kids? That’s tough love that ignores the reality that choice exists on a spectrum. Some women have partners who refuse to be involved parents. Some had surprise pregnancies. Some have children before understanding the full economic calculus. Some live in states with restricted reproductive rights. Some face family or cultural pressure. Some simply wanted to be mothers and believed (were told!) they could “have it all.”
Were these choices? In some cases, yes. Were they made with full information and total freedom? Often, no.
When tough love ignores these nuances, it doesn’t motivate—it shames. And shame is perhaps the worst motivator for financial action. Shame makes people freeze. It makes them hide. It makes them avoid having the conversation, asking the questions, checking the balance, opening the bills.
Research backs this up. A 2021 Harvard Business School study of over 9,000 people found that financial shame creates a vicious cycle: shame leads to financial avoidance (not opening bills, ignoring account statements), which leads to poor financial decisions, which deepens financial hardship, which creates more shame. The study found that shame was a stronger driver of financial problems than guilt, precisely because shame makes people withdraw rather than take action.
I’ve seen this throughout my career. The person who hasn’t looked at their retirement accounts in years because they’re “too far behind.” The couple who can’t talk about money because they’re too embarrassed about their debt. The woman who won’t advocate for herself on money in the office or at home because she doesn’t want to “rock the boat”.
Tough love told them they should have known better. Should have saved more. Should have chosen differently. So instead of taking action, they spiral in should-have shame.
When Coddling Becomes Enabling
On the flip side, I’m skeptical of pure cheerleading without action.
“You’re doing great! Don’t worry about money! It’s just energy! Stay positive and manifest!”
This is coddling. And while it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t help anyone build actual financial security.
I say this as someone who is a cheerleader. I genuinely believe in celebrating wins and encouraging others. But celebration without accountability isn’t kindness. It’s enabling.
If I tell a client “you’re doing amazing!” while they’re spending beyond their means and not saving for retirement, I’m not helping them. I’m making myself feel good about being “nice” while they walk toward a financial cliff. If I tell my daughter she’s a shoo-in for the lead in the school play without telling her she needs to practice and put the work in for her audition—I’m giving platitudes.
Coddling is often rooted in our own discomfort with difficult conversations. We don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. We don’t want to kill someone’s vibe. We don’t want them to feel bad.
And yet—sometimes people need to feel uncomfortable to make changes. Not shamed. Not berated. But uncomfortable enough to take action.
The key difference? Discomfort with purpose and support.
Real Talk: The Middle Path
So what’s the answer? I keep coming back to what I call “Real Talk.”
Real Talk starts with: “Here’s where you are.”
Not where you should be. Not where your neighbor is. Not where Instagram suggests you should be. Where you actually are, right now, with your specific circumstances and constraints.
Real Talk works the same way regardless of the situation. For someone earning well but not saving enough, Real Talk doesn’t say “you should have done this differently” or “don’t worry, everything will work out.”
Real Talk says: “You make good money, but you’re not saving enough. That’s your current reality. You’re taking an international trip every year, but you could afford it every other year and redirect that savings. You’re leaving tax advantages on the table by not maxing out your SEP-IRA or Solo 401(k). So let’s talk about what you can control: Can you increase and automate retirement contributions? Can you alternate big trips with smaller getaways? Can we meet with your CPA about tax-advantaged strategies you’re missing? Can you set up a system where lifestyle spending happens after savings, not instead of it?”
Real Talk acknowledges you’re doing well while being honest about missed opportunities. It doesn’t shame you for enjoying your life—it helps you enjoy it while also building long-term security.
Why Real Talk Works
Real Talk acknowledges constraints without using them as excuses. It recognizes privilege without weaponizing it. It creates action steps without demanding impossible leaps.
Real Talk doesn’t require you to deny your reality or accept defeat within it. It asks you to work with what you have while honestly assessing what needs to change.
The Nuance
That Instagram thread revealed that we’re really bad at holding multiple truths at once.
It can be true that:
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Financial independence is crucial for women’s security
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AND childcare costs are economically crushing for families
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AND some women choose to stay home and shouldn’t be judged for it
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AND some women are forced out of the workforce and deserve empathy
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AND staying financially informed is possible regardless of employment status
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AND the system is broken in ways individuals can’t fix alone
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AND individuals still need to take action within broken systems
The data on childcare tells a stark story. According to the Center for American Progress, rising childcare costs resulted in an estimated 13% decline in employment of mothers with children under age 5. A recent U.S. Census Bureau study found that higher childcare costs reduce labor force participation among mothers, with lower-income mothers showing the strongest response to cost changes. These numbers represent real families making impossible choices.
We don’t know what “privilege” or “sacrifice” any one person is making in their lives. I can hold that truth. I also believe we have to work with what we have.
What Actually Motivates People?
After years of working with clients and having these conversations, I’ve learned:
People are motivated by:
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Feeling seen and understood in their specific situation
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Having agency over something, even if it’s small
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Seeing a clear next step they can actually take
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Believing change is possible without requiring a complete life overhaul
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Being held accountable with compassion, not judgment
People are demotivated by:
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Being told their situation is entirely their fault
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Having their constraints dismissed or minimized
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Being given advice that’s impossible given their reality
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Feeling shamed for where they are
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Being treated like their circumstances are unique moral failings
Research on motivation and financial behavior supports this. Studies using Self-Determination Theory found that “autonomous motivation” (when people feel they’re making their own choices rather than being controlled or pressured) was positively associated with better financial behaviors, higher financial self-efficacy, and greater well-being. By contrast, “controlled motivation” (feeling pressured or shamed into action) was negatively associated with financial well-being.
The goal isn’t to make people feel good with false comfort. The goal is to help them feel capable of taking the next right step.
What This Looks Like In Practice
Let’s go back to that original comment. Here’s how I’d apply Real Talk:
Tough Love response: “You chose to stay home. You need to take responsibility for that choice and find a way to earn money or accept financial dependence.”
Coddling response: “You’re doing the most important job in the world! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choices!”
Real Talk response: “I hear you—childcare costs are brutal and you’re navigating a tough situation. Here’s what you can do from where you are right now: Get involved in every financial decision and account in your household. Schedule monthly money dates with your partner. Make sure you understand your full financial picture and have access to everything. Look into skills you can build during kids’ downtime that might create income options later. And have honest conversations about long-term planning—what happens if something happens to your partner? Do you have life insurance? Disability insurance? Is your name on the house? These aren’t fun conversations, but they’re crucial ones.”
It doesn’t shame. It doesn’t minimize. It acknowledges the reality and provides concrete, doable next steps.
The Questions We Should Ask
When you’re trying to motivate someone (or yourself) around money, ask:
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Am I meeting them where they are, or where I think they should be?
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Am I acknowledging their constraints while still identifying what they CAN control?
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Am I offering actionable steps, or just judgment/platitudes?
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Would my advice create shame or momentum?
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Am I comfortable with nuance, or am I oversimplifying their situation?
Different Needs at Different Times
The truth is, most of us need all three at different times.
Sometimes we need tough love: a wake-up call that we’re avoiding reality and need to take action.
Sometimes we need encouragement: a reminder that we’re capable and making progress, even if it’s slow.
Sometimes we need real talk: honest assessment of where we are and what we can actually do about it.
The art is knowing which one someone needs in the moment, and delivering it with enough compassion that it lands without wounding.
The Choice You’re Making
Right now, you’re using one of these three approaches with yourself about your money.
Maybe you’re beating yourself up for not being further ahead. Maybe you’re telling yourself everything will work out. Or maybe you’re looking at where you actually are and asking: what can I do from here?
The approach you choose determines whether you stay stuck in shame, float in false comfort, or actually move forward.
Which one will it be?
Related: The Magic We Make While Falling Apart: On Boundaries, Burnout, and Being Human