People have the unique ability to empathize with those around them. Whether it’s a coworker facing a layoff, or a close friend getting married, we have the ability to put ourselves in their shoes and understand their pain or happiness. Empathy is an important component of emotional intelligence—if we can relate to others’ feelings, we can adapt our responses accordingly.
Successful business leaders need to have empathy in order to be inclusive of others. It’s important when determining if employees are comfortable with the corporate culture, for instance, and it allows leaders to better relate to staff, customers and vendors. Many people think that our ability to empathize strengthens when we’re dealing with people whose experiences are similar to our own.
But, Rachel Ruttan, Mary-Hunter McDonnell, and Loran Nordgren are here to suggest otherwise. In their Harvard Business Review article, “ It’s Harder to Empathize with People If You’ve Been in Their Shoes ,” the authors discuss their latest research, which tells us that someone who has already “been there” may, actually, be less likely to be appropriately empathetic than someone who hasn’t experienced what the other person is going through.
The researchers suggest two different reasons for why this may happen. One is called the “empathy gap.” The researchers explain: “Though we may remember that a past experience was painful, stressful, or emotionally trying, we tend to underestimate just how painful that experience felt in the moment.” In other words, because we aren’t living in that painful moment, we’re not able to accurately recall the emotions at that time. On the other hand, someone who never experienced the situation can better imagine how painful or emotional the situation might be because they have nothing to compare it to.
The other reason for this lack of appropriate empathy is due to the “I got through it, and so can you” mentality. According to the researchers, “people who have previously overcome an aversive experience know that they were able to successfully overcome it, which makes them feel especially confident about their understanding of just how difficult the situation is.”
The last thing a leader wants to be seen as is cold and without empathy for others around them. How do we fight the apparent instinct to downplay someone else’s emotions because we believe we’ve experienced these same emotions before? The researchers suggest that “leaders need get outside of their own heads—to place less emphasis, not more, on their own past challenges.” Leaders need to put more focus on the person they’re trying to help and on understanding the other person’s feelings instead of comparing the situation to their own.
Being inclusive of others is being inclusive of how other people feel. Don’t let your past experiences keep you from understanding those around you appropriately. Listen to learn.