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Most friendships don't end because of one big betrayal. They end because of small misunderstandings that never get discussed.
A hurt feeling. An assumption. A story we tell ourselves about what someone meant.
Recently, my friend Nicole Olsthoorn and I found ourselves in one of those moments.
We could have done what many women do: vented to other people, made assumptions, and quietly pulled away.
Instead, we had the conversation.
What started as a well-intentioned message led to mixed emotions, misunderstandings, and triggers on both sides. Neither of us intended harm, yet both of us found ourselves navigating uncomfortable feelings.
The easy path would have been avoidance. The mature path was conversation.
What struck me most wasn't that we experienced conflict. Conflict is inevitable whenever humans are involved. What mattered was how we responded to it.
When I received Nicole's message, I didn't immediately respond. Instead, I gave myself twenty-four hours to sit with it. That wasn't because I wanted to avoid the conversation. It was because I wanted to honor it. I knew I was emotionally activated. I also knew that my first reaction might not be my wisest response.
During those twenty-four hours, I asked myself some important questions:
What am I actually feeling? What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is there another explanation for what's happening? And perhaps most importantly, is there something from my past that is amplifying my reaction?
As I reflected, I realized that this situation had stirred up an unresolved childhood experience involving trust, boundaries, and speaking up for myself. Suddenly, I wasn't just reacting to the situation in front of me. I was reacting to a much older wound that had never fully healed.
That realization changed everything.
I think this is true more often than we realize. Many of our strongest emotional reactions aren't solely about what's happening today. They're about what today's situation reminds us of from yesterday. When we fail to recognize that, we risk responding from old wounds instead of present-day wisdom.
One of the most valuable lessons from this experience was the importance of being reflective rather than reactive. In our culture, we're often encouraged to say what's on our mind immediately and speak our truth in the moment. While honesty is important, timing matters too.
The space between stimulus and response is where emotional intelligence lives.
Giving myself time to process didn't weaken the conversation. It strengthened it. It allowed me to separate my feelings from my assumptions and identify what outcome I actually wanted. By the time I reached out to Nicole, I wasn't responding from my hurt eight-year-old self whose friend had stolen a prized trinket. I responded as an adult woman who wanted to preserve a friendship while also honoring her own boundaries.
Another lesson was the importance of getting curious before getting certain. It's easy to assume we know why someone did something. It's easy to fill in the blanks with our own interpretation of events. Curiosity requires more humility.
Instead of deciding that I knew Nicole's motives, I left room for the possibility that there was information I didn't have. Instead of becoming defensive, she remained open to hearing my perspective. That willingness to stay curious created space for understanding rather than escalation.
Nicole also had her own triggers that got activated in our discussion.
I've heard people say they avoid anyone who triggers them. While I understand the desire to protect your energy, I don't believe that's where growth happens. Triggers aren't necessarily evidence that someone else is wrong. More often, they're invitations to understand ourselves more deeply. They point us toward something that wants healing, attention, or integration.
Avoiding every trigger may feel like self-protection, but it can also become self-limitation.
Finally, we repaired the relationship quickly. Healthy friendships are not built by never hurting one another. Healthy friendships are built by people who are willing to come back together with honesty, humility, and love.
That may be the most important lesson of all.
As women step into greater leadership roles, build businesses, collaborate on projects, and create communities, our ability to navigate difficult conversations becomes increasingly important. The future of female leadership depends on the future of female friendships.
If we cannot work through misunderstandings, address hurt feelings, and have honest conversations with one another, we limit what we're capable of building together.
The online world often rewards outrage, conflict, and division. Algorithms thrive on emotional reactivity.
Leadership requires something different. It requires emotional maturity. It requires curiosity. It requires courage. And sometimes it requires being willing to sit with discomfort long enough to discover what's actually true.
The future of female friendships isn't conflict-free. It's women choosing to come back together after things get messy.
And I believe that's also the future of female leadership.
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