Trending
For decades I have watched couples come undone over money. In many cases, red flags warning of money conflicts could have been identified long before they married. Such signals are not as obvious as differences in net worth or income levels; they are in the deeper, emotional reasons that drive controlling, avoidant, or obsessive behaviors around money.
The problem is that many people, as they are dating and considering potential life partners, miss these deeper signals. Dating apps, for example, match profiles built around clients’ stated preferences. These might include criteria like having a professional career in certain fields, being financially responsible, or earning above a certain income. Yet what looks like financial compatibility can be misleading.
Two people who both seek partners who are financially stable or high earners could appear well matched. Yet one of them may carry money scripts that equate wealth and spending with status. The other may hold a belief that financial security is equated to extreme frugality. The superficially similar financial goals actually are driven by contradictory beliefs that are almost certain to result in conflict if the two form a relationship.
Even people whose money beliefs and behaviors align more closely are not necessarily an ideal match. Partners whose predominant money scripts fall into the money vigilance category may both track expenses, openly discuss finances, and hold similar values around saving. But rigid vigilance can foster chronic anxiety that prevents them from using their financial resources to enjoy their life together.
Kristine Anthis, Ph.D., a couples therapist trained in Internal Family Systems™ therapy, has taken this awareness a step further. After working with many couples in deep pain whose relationships had been damaged by money conflicts, she began to focus on helping people prevent such damage in the first place. She became a certified matchmaker. Her agency, IFS Dating & Matchmaking, helps clients address their own money issues before starting to build a relationship.
Anthis built what she calls the IFS Relational Wealth Blueprint, a structured, time-limited process that maps a person’s Internal Financial System® as it relates to dating and money. It identifies the parts, their limiting beliefs and money scripts, what activates them, and how they have shaped the person’s relationship history. She describes the goal as becoming relationship ready. When the blueprint process reveals a need for further therapy, she refers clients to an IFS therapist. Her approach gives people a chance to do the work of emotional healing before a relationship begins rather than after one is damaged or broken.
Research on couples and financial communication supports the premise that the earlier partners discuss money, the healthier the relationship tends to be over time. So do my own observations in working with couples as a financial planner and then as a financial therapist.
What also matters is communicating about money in ways that will explore each other’s money beliefs in a deeper way. Asking direct questions about income or net worth is not necessarily the way to do this. I suggest starting instead with values. What does this person spend money on? What does generosity mean to them? Or frugality? How would they describe being financially responsible? What do they believe about planning for the future? Values questions can be a natural way to bring someone’s financial beliefs to the surface.
Equally important, of course, is paying attention to what a person does as well as what they say. Are the values they claim supported or contradicted by their money behavior?
Building your own healthy relationship with money can help provide a strong foundation on which to build a financially healthy coupleship.
Related: Why the Fed May Raise Rates Again—and What It Means for Your Money