I remember last year, when we still lived in NY, I was in the city for meetings and as I was leaving one meeting and heading to the next, I ducked into Barnes and Noble for a quick respite (my feet were killing me as I had been a bit overly-ambitious with my city walking) when my husband called and asked me to run a quick errand for him. It shouldn’t have been a big deal but it felt massive. I was tired. I had my own agenda (that did not include his errand). My phone was dying. And the next meeting was important to me – I knew I needed a quick break in order to be fully present. My inner-toddler revolted. The feelings I was experiencing felt much bigger than the situation at hand and I wasn’t, in the moment, on his time-line, able to navigate them.
In a voice that betrayed my irritation I told him I’d solve the problem , but I needed to get off the phone. The truth was, I wasn’t sure how I was going to solve the problem. At the moment I knew I didn’t want to solve the problem. I knew that if I was going to take it on, I needed to shift from doing it as an obligation, to doing it because I wanted to help him out—which, in the moment, felt nearly impossible.
Here’s the thing, when you’re committed to being your best self, it’s not going to unfold like a perfect movie (because, well…you’re human).
You’re going to feel things that aren’t planned and aren’t pretty, and it’s unsettling. So the key isn’t to expect perfection and then do a number on yourself when feelings creep up – but to find a constructive way to let the tide of emotion subside so you can choose your actions rather than continue to react in the situation.
There is power in choice.
I knew that day, that I could not problem-solve in the moment. There were needs in conflict. My husband had a need for me to run his errand. I had a need to be at my next meeting on time, present and not as a disheveled crazy-woman. As my husband kept asking me what I was going to do, I only felt the pressure build. There was no solution forthcoming as the heightened emotion was squeezing out any room for my brain to function. If I was going to be able to access my ability to think clearly, I had to get the emotion out of the way.
Now most of the time, because emotions are so unwieldy and unwelcome in the workplace, we just try to block them. We power through. We either find a way to do this thing we’re asked to do in spite of the emotions we feel – and then resent it, or we don’t do it, and beat ourselves up. And probably still resent it. You see, emotions blocked don’t go away. We can pretend they’re not there. We can dress them up real pretty and mask them from the world so others don’t see them. We may not like them. They may be terribly inconvenient. But too bad, they’re there. That’s what’s real. It comes with being human. Our choice is simple – we either deal with them or they will eventually deal with us. There’s nothing noble or powerful in squashing our feelings. We either find a way for them to dissipate or we watch our relationships, our health, and our results suffer.
The irony is, dealing with the emotion tends to feel like the harder choice. It takes courage to own your humanity.
I tabled my husband’s request. I knew I had to come back to it, but I was in no shape in the moment to make a decision that would serve both our needs. If I simply succumbed to the pressure I felt and just did what he asked while ignoring my insides, I would put my upcoming meeting, my self respect (for any time we totally dismiss our own needs, we’re telling ourselves that our needs don’t matter), and our relationship at risk – for an errand.
I made it to the Starbucks, where my next meeting was to take place in 20 minutes. I found a cherished outlet and plugged in my phone. I bought a green tea iced tea and sat for maybe two minutes allowing myself to return to normal. Two minutes and I was feeling clear. That’s all it took. I called him up, apologized for being cranky, and told him my plan. “I think I was feeling panicky because my phone was about dead and that gave me so little margin for error. If something went wrong I couldn’t let the person I was meeting know. My phone is charging now. I’ll run the errand after my meeting.” Problem solved. I felt good, he felt good, all was right in the world.
Related: What Are Your Best Self Strategies?
It seems like a little thing, but it is probably one of the most important things you can do if you truly care about being and bringing your best – honoring your own emotions. That doesn't mean we let emotions run amok, it means that we use them as red flags. An internal warning system alerting us to something that needs our attention.
Start paying attention to what your insides are telling you. When do you need to pause before you act, to ensure you’re not reacting? When do you need just two minutes to give yourself the space you need to make better decisions? Decisions you won’t regret or resent. Decisions that reflect your best self.
We are better than we know. We are wired to sense when we might not bring our best – our emotions are our red flag. But, of course, if you override the warning system, all bets are off…