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One of the things that came up recently in my private client coaching work was painfully insightful: People still don’t understand the depth of what I am trying to communicate in my Can I Borrow Your Car methodology.
Specifically: Multi-generation referrals.
Not the feel-good kind.
The kind that quietly introduces risk into a relationship or sales process, while everyone involved believes they’re being helpful.
Here’s the setup:
If you do the Can I Borrow Your Car macro giving process well, really well, you spend most of your time giving. Thoughtfully, intentionally and with deep trust.
And eventually, something predictable happens…and it happened to me recently:
You hand the keys to someone you trust.
A safe driver.
Someone you’d let borrow your car again.
That’s where this gets dangerous.
The Situation (That Looks Fine on the Surface)
I referred a prospective client for me to a friend of mine.
This prospect wasn’t a casual intro. They are really cool, interesting and are someone I was deliberately developing a relationship with because of long term potential and some shorter interval opportunities.
My friend has a complementary product that I refer to often. As part of my relationship-building strategy, I intentionally inserted him into my sales process. The goal wasn’t to offload the prospect, or to delay my process, it was to increase confidence, reduce friction, and accelerate trust.
So far, so good.
My friend handled the initial referral exceptionally well.
Where it went sideways was what happened next:
Without telling me, he referred my prospect to someone else, who it turns out I know and would have (a) eventually introduced to them and (b) would have absolutely agreed to my friend doing the introduction if asked.
No malice.
No incompetence.
No ill intent.
Just… assumptions.
Why This Is Really Important
On the surface, nothing “bad” happened. No explosion. No flaming car wreck or car jacking.
But here’s the real issue:
By making that second referral without looping me in, my friend did two things simultaneously:
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He introduced risk into my sales process without my permission
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He denied me the upside of making that referral myself
That second point is the one people miss.
I was planning to make that introduction later.
Sequenced. Intentionally. At the right moment.
Instead, the timing, framing, and ownership of that next step were taken out of my hands.
That’s not a collaboration and that’s not malicious either.
But it is a breakdown in referral discipline…and a drag on predictable referrals for me down the road if nothing is discussed.
The Real Problem: Unspoken Rules
Two mistakes were made here—and one of them is on me.
Mistake #1 (Mine)
I did not explicitly define how multi-generation referrals work within the CIBYC methodology and more specifically, my referral network.
In plain English:
If it’s my car at the beginning, it’s my car the whole way through.
If you want to take it to another destination, or let someone else drive, you give the owner a heads-up first.
Not to ask permission like a child, but to respect context, sequencing, and intent. What is often missed here is that this brief check in with the car owner is a referral conversation. You are communicating, even if the person referring to you doesn’t know the CIBYC methodology, that you are a true and uniquely safe driver. You are a referral partner that always has the person that holds the most risk in the referral process (see the Referral Triad from my book)...the giver, in your mind.
There is a solution the next time I refer my friend because (a) we talked about it and they agree with my points and we will use this discussion to ever more deeply partner and refer even more business. This was a great result and will be amazing.
Back to my error: I assumed all this was obvious.
It wasn’t and that’s on me.
Mistake #2 (Not Mine, But Still Real)
If you are given a referral, you have a responsibility that goes beyond your upside.
You should be asking yourself:
“This came from Mike. What would he want done here?”
At a minimum, the default assumption should always be:
The person who gave me the referral wants to know if I’m passing it on BEFORE I do so.
Always.
Even a quick:
“Hey, not sure if this fits your plan, but I was thinking about making this intro—I wanted you to be aware and make sure that was ok.”
That single sentence prevents 90% of these issues.
The Rule You Should Install Immediately
Here it is and it needs to become non-negotiable for you in how you handle referrals you give and receive:
Never let someone else drive the car without telling the owner first.
Multi-generation referrals amplify value only when they’re intentional and transparent.
Otherwise, they quietly:
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Shift control
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Introduce timing risk
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Undermine trust (even when nobody did anything “wrong”)
And the worst part?
Everyone walks away confused about why something didn’t quite land, or worse, they never realized how much money they both lost.
Why This Matters More As You Get Better
Here’s the irony: This problem doesn’t show up when you’re bad at referrals.
It shows up…
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When you’re generous
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When you’re collaborative
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When you’re giving consistently
The more cars you put on the road, the more important the rules become.
Giving without structure feels noble.
Giving with shared language is what makes it scalable and safe.
What I’d Challenge You to Do This Week
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Audit your assumptions
Have you actually told your referral partners how you want multi-step referrals handled?
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Install the language
“If it’s my car, it stays my car, just give me a heads-up.”
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Default to over-communication
Silence creates risk. Transparency creates leverage.
This isn’t about control, it’s about respect: for the relationship, the process, and the outcome.
Be human.
Be generous.
Just don’t let someone else take your car for a spin without texting you first.
Related: Why Most Referrals Fail: The Secret To Predictable Growth in Professional Services